I'm gonna be an awesome dad, I think.

This is one of those blog post that I might write happily now only to regret in the future.

1. My future son or daughter might read this and tell me "dad, seriously... That's bull shit."

or

2. A lot of random people who just read the header without reading the post and might just go around congratulating me that I'm going to be a dad all out of a sudden. LIKE HOW?

Self Doubt 

I am a very confident man and self doubt is probably one of those things I do least in my life. I believe I'm awesome and nothing is too much for me to handle but when it comes to being a dad, that's when self doubt comes in.

For those who knows me well enough will know that one of my biggest rant is about how much an as*hole my dad was or has been. He's never the kinda father figure person where you look upon and tell yourself "I want to grow up to be like my dad." instead you ask yourself, "What IF I grow up to become like my dad. As much as I knowI wouldn't want to be like him but what if?"

And to make things a little even harder, I enjoy my parties, I enjoy the events, whacking myself up at the gym and I even enjoy working which means there's a high chance I wouldn't spend that much time with my kid(s)?

Can I even enjoy my weekend bringing them around for lessons, going to their kids' parties, meeting other boring parents talking about which milk powder is better?

And imagine my pay going all onto my kid(s) instead of buying the things I like and eating the food I want?

Imagine your kid growing up into someone you least expect?

Oh... And when they get old enough to use search engines and read all my "work" online...

Part Time Dad 

I was pretty happy I was given the chance last weekend to help my Sister-in-law with the kids while she was busy. I mean of course my duty for that few hours is nothing close to what she has been doing for the kids. Signing them up for the lessons they like, sacrificing all her time on them, making sure they become the type of person she wants them to be.

I once asked my late brother, how do you know how to be a father? How to be a good father? How do you know what is best for the kid? It's not like someone can teach us what to do and the worst part is that the person who eventually gonna suffer from your "mistakes" is still your kids. His answer was, you just have to do it and you will know what to do. I guess it's pretty much like how I always tell others that the only way to learn how to swim is by getting wet.

Little Abby was like "Aiyo, I am so tiny!"

So I woke up early, I bought little Abby to lesson and in between lessons I had time to steal a breakfast, read some news off my mobile and also buy some more food home for the folks.

Rewarding myself for waking up early on a Saturday morning.

Buying breakfast back home for the folks was something my brother enjoyed doing. He would come knocking at our doors with truck load of breakfast. His bee hoon buying style will always leave an impression on the auntie because each bag of bee hoon looks more like a pillow at the end of it. Although my brother spent a lot of time away from us since he joined the air force and then got married and moved out, we always enjoy his ad-hoc company. He would always try his best to spend time with us whenever possible. And also to celebrate every possible "festival" at home. Birthdays are a big thing in the family.

And when I was done with Abby, it was Natacia's turn. Had to ensure she was on time, she brought her stuff, she has done her assignment. Although she's a very responsible girl, it's just natural of me to ask her all the questions to ensure she was ready.

We ended up late for her lesson because of bad traffic but we did have time for a #Selfie ! 

Although I didn't physically do a lot of work but I was like "woah, I'm kinda sleepy now after a morning and afternoon of running around..." Can you imagine how much my sister-in-law, my brother or even my mum has done at her time when she had to do all these to ensure we grow up alright?" I guess that's why it makes parents really angry when we are naughty.

Love is...

I didn't go for my morning ball game, I didn't go for a run/cycle or neither did I sleep in like I would love to on a week end but I was happy. I was happy to see the kids happy because they spent time with me, because they get to attend the lessons they enjoyed and also they felt love because they know we love them too. Is this what love is about? About sacrificing what you thought you love for someone else and in return seeing them happy and making you happy too?

I guess my brother was right... The human instinct in us did prepared us to be a parent, to learn and to sacrifice when the time comes for those who deserves it...

I guess TV shows do teaches us a lot isn't it? For a real player to really settle down... That was Legen..... DARY.

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Missing you...

May the 4th was well Star Wars day. The day where the force is suppose to be with me...

I drove all the way to Jurong just to check out Star Wars toys exhibit. One event where I believe you will like to be there...

4th is also your day.. November the 4th...

Ironically 4th is also my pay day. The day where I should be feeling the strongest in my force. LOL.

A friend once sent me this quote..

"I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three."

And here's a poem written for us... 

When we were young 

We played games 

No one else understood 

Except you and I 

When I grew older 

I wanted to be like you 

You were the only 

Role model I knew 

We were a team 

You and I 

A basketball team of two 

A family stuck by super duper glue 

But you went away 

Our unit torn in two 

All the hope in the world 

Couldn't make you stay 

They say I'll be okay 

I don't know what to say 

All I wish is 

That I had stronger super glue 

I miss you Kor...How are you? Mother's day is round the corner, Junjun got a boy friend, my wedding is around the corner, your kids are getting so cute and smart. Are you still watching on us? 

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Merry Christmas Kor...

Merry Christmas Kor,

how is everything in heaven for Christmas? I am sure you guys up there have abundance of everything in heaven and I know you are having a peaceful time and I sure hope you are watching over us feeling proud of your wife and kids and also "satisfied" with my performance as an uncle over the last 1 year.

The one word I would use to describe this 1 year without you would be "UNREAL". I still can't believe that you are not around. Sometimes I think about the things you do, the things that you said and the plans we had as a family. I can still feel your presence like you have never left us. It feels like you are just a call away and one day when I open the door, you will be seated there asking me why am I back so late and you want to play your favourite mahjong with me. I hope it is true that I can just call you, I hope that you are still there for me like you always were.

This post to you have been in my head for the longest time but never can I find the courage to write it without crying again. I told myself that I have to be strong for you and everyone around me but it's not easy at all. And in fact it is your 3 treasure that make things so much easier for the adults. I've been trying my best to spent more time with them, to be the man and role model like how you were once to me. I might not be the one but I am trying my very best to be the very best. I love spending time with them and I hope they do too.

Nat's 7th birthday/ Christmas Party 2013

Although they are very young and some might say that they do not know what is happening but I must say the family is very blessed to have this 3 kids and you must be proud. They are always talking about you and in anyway they could, they will honour you and miss you. Looking at basketball, planes and your toys, every single thing reminds us about you. Especially all the family gatherings and parties.

Your 1st birthday since you left. 7th March 2013.

Parties are different without you. I hate it that we walk into your house and not getting greeted by your loud voice. I hate it that you will not walk to me in excitement showing me something new you bought. I hate it that you are no longer around to discuss with me the games or activities that we will arrange for the kids like we always did. Like how we did the basketball theme party, how I became "fat Leo" and more. In fact, Abby is the one who is most affected I think. We can see that she will be happy during the party but every time when we need to cut a cake or take a family photo, she would just talk away and show signs of unhappiness. Kor, please bless your bao bei Abby!

On the 3rd of November,

we gathered to honour you. Did you hear your little Nat Nat playing her violin piece for you? Did you get the balloons we sent? This girl is amazing. How she tok up the role as a leader of the team. How she is always putting all the responsibility on herself to do better and out do herself. Isn't this something that runs in our blood? Taking up leadership role to perform. She is totally you.

Life is hard without you cause we miss you so much. I hate shopping for toys without you being around. I miss texting you telling you that something is on discount and if you want to buy it. I hate it that you can no longer reply all my messages. That being said, I think we found comfort thanks to technology and to be more specifically thanks to Facebook. I am sure you saw all the post that we have been posting on your wall. It gives me the feeling that you are still listening to us.

In fact it has been more than a year but I never really dare to open to files that my friends gave me. The photos and the video of your wake and funeral. I left them on my tables for more than a year. I copied them out but until now, I've not watch and view them. I only managed to open them like now.

I always enjoy talking to you but I enjoy more listening to you. Can you talk to me again?

There are so many things that I've benefitted from you over the years and even till now. I am having some of my best time thanks to your kids. Your kids makes me a better person and I really hope I can make them better too. Help them to grow up the way you want them to be.

#RunWithWill

Ever since your departure, Kimmy started running and taking part in running events. I started picking up running again few months earlier. I remember how you use to make me round when i was a little fat boy. Nothing much has changed for me cause I am still fat but just way older. Everytime when I am tired during my run, I feel like you are there running with me, asking me to get my ass moving. I can feel and hear you in my head. So Kimmy and I decided that we should do this to honour you and your fighting spirit. We wish that one day you kids, your grand kids and everyone who knows you can be part of it. I've been updated the page and I must say I was very touched by some of the entries we have gotten so far. I really appreciate everyone that took time to fill up the form. It might just be an entry to anyone but I means a lot to us. It is the legacy of you that we want to honour.

I still talk about you a lot. Like you've never left. I talk about you with my friends, with new people I meet. I am proud of you, proud to have a brother like you. Proud that you are a brother, father, leader and a brave fighter. And I have to thanks all my friends who have been around to say the things that I need to hear to make me feel better and at the same time bear with the fact that I'm always talking about you.

I can't help it but to buy this additional Optimus prime to add it into your collection for X'mas. There are just some habits that cannot be changed. I hope you like it and I hope you are fine with how I've placed it.

Kor, I really miss you and I wish I can see you again some day.

Merry Christmas Kor.

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想你的星期五。。。

星期五 － 雨

下着细雨的天，慢慢的脚步。

老婆今晚出去了而我却应为“累”而推掉了活动，自己一个人回到家。。。

眼看着对面的住屋。。。往你的家的那方看着。。。脑海里不由自觉的想着你。。。

脑里出现了好多个如果。。。

“哥，今天老婆不在meet kopitiam leh."
“老婆不在，今晚过来打通宵NBA?”
“你最近下载了什么？我过来看？”
“你在媽媽家回來？打包食物給我！！！”

這些統統都不可能。。。完全只能想。。。

痛。。。好痛。。。

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Missing you.

8 months and counting. I miss you.

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Mitch Albom - Have a Little Faith.

This is not exactly a book review cause I haven't really finished the book. There is something weird about this blogpost for a few things:

1. I don't normally read books.
2. I am not a Christian.
3. I am not a fan of fans of Christ.
4. I don't read books. (Just to prove my point.)
5. I am currently an atheist.

I'm the cool one in this story.

I started reading Mitch's book since "The 5 person you met in heaven". I like his style as he teach one things through his stories. He doesn't just put it in your face but he slowly delivers it to you and let you explore and understand it. In another words, he puts me thinking. Maybe 50 shades of grey will put me thinking but I guess it's just different. :p

I'm half way through the book and I must say I am touched. It's funny as this books, as the name suggests talks about faith. About Mitch, himself who slowly lost God to time, and the gap between him and God got larger due to time. Another man who turned his back on God times and again but God still took him back. And an old Jewish Rabbis who wanted Mitch to write his eulogy. And this stories was built around how Mitch got closer to God through the journey of knowing Mitch better.

To me, religion is just a set of rules to make people a better person. God is "something" that give people hope, faith and a piece of mind. Especially at wits end. And at the same time, that's the reason why I call myself an Atheist now, cause my prayer was left unanswered.

In the book, Mitch asked what's happiness. Reb says

"satisfied n grateful for the love we received and what God has given us. As a baby we came to this world w a clenched fist thinking we could have had it all n we leave this place with our hands opened cause we have learnt that we can bring nothing together with us." 

That made me tear up on the train because I know I'm satisfied and grateful for the love that I've received from you. Although it ended earlier than I wanted but I'm grateful for what I had. With you in my heart, for eternity or till my time is up.

It's a shame there are things that I can't agree with Christianity. I'm stubborn, not convinced and not a believer. Someone once told me that she see that Christian in me and I will do good for the religion one day and to me that is just the typical "sales pitch" a Christian came out with to convert me. This is how skeptical I am. 

Sometimes ago before my brother converted to a Christian, we had a talk about this. A serious talk. Something that we as brothers don't normally do. He asked me how I feel about him converting into a Christian. Although I am not one but I always believe in freedom of choice. I told him that it is his belief and if God is his faith that is his calling and that is where he should head to. He shouldn't worry about mum, dad or even me. The bottom line of the conversation was I hope he was doing it because he wanted it and he felt God and not because of purely influences or stressed by anyone else. He told me he felt God. God saved him. God gave him the sign. – Now, where's mine? 


This song came onto the radio while I was typing this. This song was introduced by Will many years ago as well. 

I tell myself once in awhile that maybe I should go to a church to feel God myself, find peace or at least get closer to you but I've been to services with my friends and it's really too fancy for my liking. All the dancing, singing and fancy stages brings me no peace. It just put me in a position and more question surfaces. Above all, I don't see how I can be a Christian when I'm all tattoo, alcohol, sex, violence and gutter. I just can't see myself being the nice Christian boy that goes "Oh in the name of God.. blah blah blah." or say things like Sex after marriage, no this no that. pffff. 

I was once teased that a pastor might just do some perform some exorcist ritual on me and my foul mouth. 

I just can't find that peace in my mind I guess. Not now, not yet, maybe never. 

Mr.Smith, have a little faith.

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Happy Birthday Kor.

 

Happy Birthday Kor. This is the first birthday of yours that you are spending it in heaven. Spending it with God. Although I am not a Christian, the prayers jie jie said yesterday touched me once again. Made me feel good only because that we know that you believe in God and are with God and thus I feel better about you not being with me. By believing in what you believe, I believe that you are in a better place, a place with no pain and no suffering and you have abundance of everything. 

We celebrated your birthday in your memories. We sent our wishes written on a balloon to you. Did you receive it? I'm not sure if you did but I know you can hear our wishes anyway. 

In celebration, we had your Mee Siam. I hang out with the kids and we had some fun together. I like how Natacia looks disappointed when I told her I have to leave cause it late. Not that I like to leave her but I like that she treasures the time we have together. I might not be the best uncle for now as I have too much in my head and schedule trying my best to do my best as a worker, a son, a husband and a person for myself but I do hope that when things settles down I can really spend more time with the kids. I've been running, I've been playing and practicing. I want to be fit, I want to be better so I could be the one they look upon and proud of on the court like how you made me proud when I was young. Like I written on the balloon, I would be better and I will make them play, play well. 

Because of the constant craving of food such as Indian Rojak during the final stage, the last thing I told you was "when you recover we'll go eat all the rojak okay?" And then I was holding your hand but you shook your head and pout at me as if you were telling me you can no longer do it with me. I got this and I hope you there with me having it too. I can "see" you sitting opposite me eating it with me. 

We know you were there when we sang you your birthday song. We know you were there all these while watching lil Nat Nat going to Primary one. We know you were there when little Jordan attended his first day of school. And we know you will always be here for us. Always here in our heart and up in the sky watching us.

Looking forward to the day when we will really play together, eat and laugh together again. 

Mr.Smith, between now and then, till I see you again....  

 

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Why I hate Chinese New Year - 2013

It's time of the year again to do a "Why I hate Chinese New Year" Post. Apparently being the very lazy blogger I am, I guess this post is considered the most consistent one already. More often my part 2 or part 3 of certain blogpost will never come and my Project 365 always ends at project 3.6.

Look at all those old angsty post:

CNY 08

And the most detailed CNY 2012

And two of the post that I actually sounded kinda happy;

CNY 10

HUAT AHH

CNY 09

Very tiny Natacia.

And now things just got a little worst i guess.  Adding onto CNY 2012's List.

12. I've shifted out

Although my mum is very angsty and all but I miss goofing around with the sister doing crazy silly things. Playing games, cards or whatever. Now that I've shifted out things are so different.

13. I'm Married.

It has nothing to do with getting any red packet but the fact that we are now 1 person. We have to plan our outings/visiting. 1st day to your mum place, 2nd day to where and there's always some culture difference. Call me a MCP all you want but I say daughter has to follow the guy's tradition and that's how it works no? What's some of your post marriage CNY practice?

14. Now that you are no longer with us.

:(

We had some really good times together. And now that You are gone, things are different. Things will never ever be the same. Without Your voice and Your cheekiness. Without You flicking yu sang all over, without You fighting for the last piece of keropok of Yu sang. For the very first time in Natacia's life, I scolded her. I never thought I need to take up the role of disciplining lil Nat Nat. I thought I always should be the uncle that teach them all the vice. Neither do I know what got into me that I just thought I needed to tell her off for something she did wrongly. something that You would have scolded her for as well. but I made her cried instead.

Crying Baby Girl.

I was very worried that she would hate me for that but kids being kids we were laughing shortly after and their laughter made this reunion dinner easier for me n everyone else. Thank you Kor n Jie for the 3 lil ones. I hope You r having a good party in heaven. Hope they have Your Favorite roast pork and Starbucks. Miss You Kor.

 Until next time... until the next time... we will Lou Hei together again. 

 

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Where did you go?

Last night was a very emotional night for me. It was silly actually, cause it all started with me pressing my own shirt.

The truth is, "I am Iron Man."

It was actually my very first time taking the iron out from the box to do my ironing ever since I moved into Punggol. I'm bad at ironing, I can do everything at home but just not ironing. (that has nothing to do with this post actually.) While I was on it, it reminded me an incident many years ago, one of those night before CNY where I attempted to do ironing for myself while watching TV with the baby sister standing beside me. We have always been best of friends and she likes to hangout around me and watch me do stuff but it was one of those night that shit just has to happen. I actually hit her at the nose bridge with the tip of a hot iron and cause her skin to be cook and peer off almost immediately. It was just a few mm away from her eye ball. She could have became 1 eye Jack.

It reminded me so much more. It reminded me of the times all 5 of us spent under one roof laughing and playing. We might not have a lot on our plate but we were happy. We watch TV, we sang, we played. We cried, we fought, we screamed but ultimately it was all good time spent together. A time where can never go back anymore. Growing up forced us to move on. She is now staying at the hall most of the time due to work while I'm married and shifted out living the parents at our place. Death forced us to move on, lord took you away, away from us, away from home.

We will NEVER be able to laugh as a family, to sit around the dining table or mahjong table. We will never be able to joke or sing in harmony although we could hardly get the pitch right as a family. Nothing. All these thoughts killed me. It's really silly cause it started from nothing but pressing one fucking piece of clothes. I cried, I weep, I stoned.

There is nothing I can do or could have done to stop myself.

Then I remembered this song. Where did you go.

Thank you for taking these words out of my mouth, putting it together and singing it better than i ever could have. This song is by a local indie singer who is also a good friend - Shimona Kee. Originally for her brother Reuben who passed on during an accident. And now I am singing it in my head for you. Will.

https://soundcloud.com/shimona/where-did-you-go
 
"Where did you go
when I turned around
you were there just a while ago

You walked along this life so strong
how could you suddenly be gone

And I am waiting for the moment you return
I am waiting for the door to open
I am waiting to hear your voice
But where did you go, you're not here.

Where did you go
in the blink of an eye
you were gone and I did not know

I cannot see how you disappeared
from my life in a wisp of wind

Maybe someday I will understand
Maybe someday I will see
Why the Lord had to take you from me
but for now, you are gone, you're not here."



I thought the lyrics are beautiful. So so beautiful and at the same time so painful. \

How many more moons must this pain go on for? 

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Good Bye my Brother. I miss you Kor.

It has been a month since you left us kor. It has been more than a month since I last wrote anything on this space. I am not strong enough to accept this fact as it is. I knew that the very next post is going to be a post to honour you. My brother, my role model my BFF. Yet on the other hand, writing this post is just too painful and it is like forcing the fact onto me again. There are no words that I can put together to tell you how much I miss you, how much I wish things did not happened this way. 

Our first and last solo picture together.

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I close my eyes every night hoping that you will be the voice to wake me up, you will be right there by my side, teaching me, scolding me and loving me once again. I wish that I can travel back in time to tell you what might happen to you and find a solution for it. I am ready to risk the butterfly effect of anything that might happen to me. I want to find a time machine, I want to find the dragon balls, anyway to bring you back healthy and happy in front of me but I know all this will never ever happen. I close my eyes sometimes and hope that you will call me, you will sms like you always do. I walk back to mum's place and I hope to see you sitting there watching tv like you always do but you are never there, never will be there. It hurts, I hate to go home now cause you are not there.

Our final family portrait.

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I have to learn to move on my life without you, taking the responsibility that has been on your shoulders all these years. At a young age, you took over the responsibility of being not just my brother but also my father. You influenced my life in every way possible. From music to sports to decision making, we share so many common interests I don’t even know what are the things that we didn’t agree on. There isn't a need for us to tell each other what to buy for each other during x’mas or overseas trip, we always know what we want and like.  The only reason why I can be who I am today is all because of you. You sheltered all these responsibilities from me, you gave me room to grow, and you gave me freedom. 

Your well deserved glory.

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I feel sad that you worked hard all your life but you never had the chance to enjoy it. You fought hard to become a pilot with the air force. We had little help from the family financially but you made things happened, you fought for your future. At a young age, you have a car, a home, a beautiful family. You have a career and you have kids. You have everything under your feet but time. Time was not your side. I always wanted to be like you, young and successful but I'm sorry to disappoint that I am not even half a man of who you are. I do not have a disciplined attitude like you. I do not have a big heart like you did and truly, I don’t think I will ever be where you are.

You made us proud even till the very last moment. I am very glad that you received the glory you deserved. Do you know you were on our major papers? I remember I used to joke about how I want to be on papers someday being featured not only on the obituaries but you beat me to it. I like fame, I enjoy fame and I was never as down to earth as you were. I remember years ago you bought me a keychain from Genting with a foot print and you told me you wanted me to be down to earth. Nobody knows my weakness as well as you did. 

You on wan bao.

You on TNP.

You on AsiaOne yourHealth

You on ShinMin.

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Kor, I have already shifted into my Punggol place, the one I got opposite your place. It was almost like it was meant to be. The moment you shifted into your place, we said that I will get the place opposite you and we can Mahjong anytime. I got my place but we will never be able to MJ together. You came to my place when it was still bare and naked, now it is filled with furniture and more but what is lacking is your voice and laughter. Kor, why did you do this to me. I was packing out things and I saw the toys we played, the things you gave me. You never fail to buy me things from every one of your trips and every thing you got for me always goes to my favorite list.   You always do your best to get me the things I wanted. Do you know how painful it was to box up all these things? I cried, I cursed at god, I scolded you, why are you not here with me to shift my house? I am your baby brother and I always need you by me, I need your help to pack these things together. Remember we had a plan to renovate my room at mum’s place so we could make a time capsule with all our toys? Our ninja turtles, our transformers and dragon balls. Why did you bail out on me? God, why did you take such a great man away from us? Why?

I cried like a baby the night I went thru these stuff.

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You were and will still always be a topic that I talk about. Since young I always go like “ My brother plays bball very well.” “My brother is a pilot.” “My brother drives this car.” All my friend knew you as if you were their friends cause you were always part of me, I am so proud of you since young. 

My brother the pilot

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There were so many friends who came to send you off that few days. I was very touched. Really very touched. All the msges, tweets, smses, I really appreciated all of them. I dunno how to thank all these friends that helped but I really feel very loved. You guys know who you are.

Many people told me that I now need to take over from you taking care of the parents or helping with the kids. I know it is my calling but I will never be able to fill your shoes. I hate myself for being helpless, I hate you for leaving this job for me and I hate that you created big shoes for me to fill. I know you love me too, I know you were proud of me too, although we are from a traditional family that we don't tell each other but from the things you have done I knew how much I meant to you.

We so smart hor!

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Do you know that I did a tattoo on your behalf? Remember the tattoo you designed a year ago but your doctor didn’t allow you to do it cause it was dangerous? You created a shield and it included everyone for your family. The thorns that represented pain. I know what you meant, you wanted to protect your family, you wanted to take the pain from them. You wanted them to be protected by Christ. It’s a shame you didn’t manage to get it down so I decided to do it for you. It might be one of the very last wish I hope I helped you to fulfill. I edited it a lil based on my understanding, I made it into a circle, circle to represent infinity, to represent completion. This is the shield of Will. I still remember how we were discussing about this design, we always ask each other opinion in everything, from purchase to action, we always discussed. I cried the day I realize I can't ask you if you like my edited design, I cried when the fact hit me so hard that I am all "alone" now.

Shield Of Will.

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I’ve no idea how to finish this post, there are so much emotions in me, I write, I stop, I cried and I write again. This is the hardest blogpost ever.

Like during my eulogy to you I mentioned that I dunno what is afterlife for me. I know you found a place with Christ, I know you are in heaven but I dunno if that is my calling. I lost faith, I haven’t been praying to any great power since you left cause nobody saved you. There is no miracle in my life. I hope I can find it some day, I hope I can meet you again. If there is a next time I want to be your brother again but this time round I want to take care of you. I want to be the one to take the pain and I want you to have it all. You could have had it all.

Below is a song that Ka Keong wrote for Ka Kiu when he died. I never imagined me playing this song for you but here it is.  Kor, I really hope you are at a place where there is only love and no pain. 

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Your wake was the most glamorous one, you had so many friends who wanted to talk about you, to honour you and to pay their last respects to you. We grieved, we cried, we smile and we prayed. Above all these emotions, we all missed you deeply.

Here is the eulogy by your boss, I thought it was so you. Everything he said was just you in every way. I might not know any of your co-workers before that but the stories you told me just allow me to easily put faces to name.

Eulogy by Moses Tan

Firstly, from all his friends in the RSAF to you, Kimmy, and all of Will's family, our deepest sympathies and condolences.

Good evening brothers and sisters in Christ. My name is Moses Tan and I worked very closely with Will in Changi Air Base and subsequently in Air Combat Command during the period from 2006 to 2010. I first got to know Will in late 2006 when I was posted to CAB. As most of you can recall, it was around that time that Will just had a tumour removed, recovered well and was embarking on a very different track of his air force career. If not for the visible scar he had, I really would not have realised that this is an individual who had just experienced a life-changing, near death episode. There was absolutely no display of resentment, anger nor wallowing in self-pity, for being thrust into such a situation so involuntarily. In his usual cheerful and positive outlook, Will was the necessary sanity in a S3 Branch's frenetic atmosphere. He was a rock!

I think many of Will's colleagues and friends can testify to his determination. Anybody coming into the S3 Branch – the workhorse of any air force base – would have to be in the pink of health, possess an enormous level of endurance, and be ready to put in loads of personal sacrifice. On top of that, working with me could easily turn anyone crazy. But Will jumped in feet-first, never skipped a beat and joined in seamlessly. He wasn't a mere supporting cast. With his background in IT and computers, as well as his well-grounded attitude, Will became an essential, reliable and loved member of HQ CAB.

As all good warriors are, Will was strong and yet gentle. He showed concern to people, not just people he loved, but to those outside of his circle of friends as well. Ever ready to help others in any way he could, almost to a fault. He always stopped to talk to our cleaner aunty, canteen operators and contractors. He was the first to know that one of our maintenance contractors was suffering from cancer, showed compassion, spoke to her and comforted her.

As a friend, Will was very dear. He always found time to be with friends, very loyal, very kind. Always ready to step forward when needed and extremely resourceful. I remember telling him that I hoped my car registration number would not strike the 4D that night because the number was sold out. He made some phone calls and with his cheeky smile told me, “Sir, kao tim liao. Remember to buy me dinner if strike”.

When I was slated to attend the KC135 conversion course in the US in 2009, Will was most helpful with my pre-course preparations. I inherited all his aircraft manuals, kneeboards, and even an aviator's flight bag. I also remember him saying that I could afford to spend the entire four and a half months in Altus without a car because all I needed to do was to buy my course mates beer and will be able to get to use their cars for free, and besides, everything interesting in Altus was within walking distance. Well, that did not happen. All my course mates were about half my age, and were not too keen to hang out with a lieutenant colonel. Clearly, Will was a person that could easily get along with people, even with the Ang Mohs. When I got to Altus, I found out that Walmart was a 2-hour walk from the base, each way! Not something I would readily do on a mid-summer's day. Later, I realised that he offered a similar advise to a certain MAJ Chan Wee Wee, who actually retraced the steps which Will took in Altus.

Being a NOOB to game machines and IT gadgets, Will was the guy responsible for introducing me to the world of Sony PSPs, Apple iPod Touch, and those really overpriced Crumpler messenger bags. He convinced me to get the PSP and I was hooked on to it in no time... until my son, Malcolm took it away from me. When PSP2 came out, he knew that I was looking for a reason to trade in the bulky PSP1. He went the extra mile to help me source for a 'buyer'. Little did I realise that he had to coerce his sister that it was a fair deal and that the soon-to-be obsolete PSP1 was good enough for her. Well, admittedly, I scolded him for the 'scam', questioned how he could do this to his baby sister, and immediately knocked off a few tens of dollars from the agreed price. Till this day, I still patronise a certain toy shop in Lucky Plaza level 3... he told me to always quote “I AM SMITH'S FRIEND”... a sure way to get a good deal and maybe a few free games. A really good advise indeed.

Ipod Touch... he showed me the Touch in 2008 and promised me that it would change my life. Certainly did! We even conducted lectures with the Touch, screening Youtube videos – all safety related – to keep our audiences awake. Beside helping me configure, jailbreak, and get up to date with technology, Will transferred many gigabytes of songs, Cantonese serials, and PSP games into my portable hard disk.

During my time with him, Will spoke fondly about many of you. Despite not having met some of you until these past few weeks, I had this very strange sense of familiarity the moment I could put a name to the face... all possible because I have heard about you from Will even before having met you. Clearly, he was always happy and enthusiastic to tell me about the important people in his life. I can only mention a few tonight... mainly because it is quite challenging for my fast failing memory to recall all that he told me, and really not so much that you were not in his thoughts before. Also, I am no word-smith. So pardon me if I have failed to paraphrase and articulate his thoughts accurately.

To Will's family, I have always admired the closely knit family that you have. Those birthday parties where there was a collective effort to organise the games for the kids, MC the event, coming out with interesting ice-cream flavours... many of us were really impressed.

Kimmy, you were his pillar of strength. He used to punctuate his sentences with “Kimmy” ever so often. You were always there for him, listened to him. With you beside him, there was very little left for his guardian angel to do. I noticed this very evident fighting spirit in him. And it became apparent where it originated from... when I saw you urging him to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

His kids meant the world to him. At the time we spoke, Jordan wasn't born yet. Nonetheless, it was clear that Will was an extremely proud father who often flaunt his kids to us, especially through Facebook. He had lots of dreams for them. He wanted the kids to grow up wise, God fearing, respectful and successful people. I am sure he will continue to watch over them, protect you all from harm and appear in your dreams.

Smith, you guys were not merely Will and Smith by coincidence and you were more than just a brother to him. You were his BFF, shared common interests, so alike, in so many ways. Most importantly, you guys are fun people to be with. I am sure you will be around to teach his kids how to have fun, have a good sense of humour and turn a dull party around. To him, you were his best brother.

Joyce, Will was tremendously proud of you. He mentioned that although it was his responsibility to support you through your studies, he never found it a chore at all because he felt richly blessed to have a sister like you. Yes, he got you an old PSP, but I am sure you were equally happy with that.

He also spoke about his pals from 114 Wings Course, how one of the course mates had a mansion so huge that you could not see the house, standing at the gate; his squadron... like how Uncle Ho K would freeze up mineral water prior to the flight so that the crew have cold drinks in flight. I practically knew about the squadron before I even got posted to 112 Sqn; his basketball kakis... like Teh Hua Feng, who was not only a natural leader at work but on court as well; and the fun times he had with his gaming kakis in Kumpung Pungol. There are just too many to list.

Before I end off, I would do a very bold thing to convey his gratitude to some of the people that he felt very grateful to, on his behalf...

To Chief of Air Force, for making it your personal interest to ensure that our application for grants and assistance are addressed expeditiously, for this, he is truly grateful.

To Commander ACC, when it became inevitable that his wings could be removed after he was medically grounded from flying permanently , you stepped in, made the unprecedented decision to allow him to continue donning the sacred golden wings, despite the fact that he was only a CAT C pilot, he is truly grateful.

COL Ng Chee Keong, you prayed over him during his darkest moment, when he was filled with fear. Your words brought him strength, peace and comfort, he is truly grateful.

Foo Kok Chiang, you were there for him throughout. During his self-imposed driving ban, when he needed frequent medical treatments in the hospital, supporting the family during this challenging period, he is truly grateful.

Snooker, you hardly knew Will. But you worked tirelessly to raise funds, apply for grants, and bring comfort to his family during this trying period, he is truly grateful.

To his pals from 114 Wings Course, you guys took turns to keep him company, feed him, keep him awake when he could hardly keep his eyes open, he is truly grateful.

To commanders and men of the RSAF, your immediate response and generosity following our various appeals for assistance, he is truly grateful.

And finally to Will...

I know as humble as you were, you would be pleased to know that many of your friends have been grieving. We have all lost a dear friend, and we are going to take a while to get used to that.

Will, you have touched our lives during your brief stay here, and you will always be remembered.

Moses Tan

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Kor, I hope all is well for you. I will live strong and do you proud. It is hard but I will. 

Until next time Kor. 

I really really miss you. 

"When I want to do something, I Will get it done" - Will Leong explaining why his name is Will. But I believe the truth was because he was so into Fresh Prince of Bel Air then.

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