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Our first and last solo picture together. |
I close my eyes every night hoping that you will be the
voice to wake me up, you will be right there by my side, teaching me, scolding
me and loving me once again. I wish that I can travel back in time to tell you
what might happen to you and find a solution for it. I am ready to risk the
butterfly effect of anything that might happen to me. I want to find a time
machine, I want to find the dragon balls, anyway to bring you back healthy and
happy in front of me but I know all this will never ever happen. I close my
eyes sometimes and hope that you will call me, you will sms like you always do.
I walk back to mum's place and I hope to see you sitting there watching tv like
you always do but you are never there, never will be there. It hurts, I hate to
go home now cause you are not there.
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Our final family portrait. |
I have to learn to move on my life without you, taking
the responsibility that has been on your shoulders all these years. At a young
age, you took over the responsibility of being not just my brother but also my
father. You influenced my life in every way possible. From music to sports to
decision making, we share so many common interests I don’t even know what are the
things that we didn’t agree on. There isn't a need for us to tell each other
what to buy for each other during x’mas or overseas trip, we always know what
we want and like. The only reason why I can be who I am today is all
because of you. You sheltered all these responsibilities from me, you gave me
room to grow, and you gave me freedom.
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Your well deserved glory. |
I feel sad that you worked hard all your life but you
never had the chance to enjoy it. You fought hard to become a pilot with the
air force. We had little help from the family financially but you made things
happened, you fought for your future. At a young age, you have a car, a home, a
beautiful family. You have a career and you have kids. You have everything
under your feet but time. Time was not your side. I always wanted to be like
you, young and successful but I'm sorry to disappoint that I am not even half a
man of who you are. I do not have a disciplined attitude like you. I do not
have a big heart like you did and truly, I don’t think I will ever be where you
are.
You made us proud even till the very last moment. I am
very glad that you received the glory you deserved. Do you know you were on our
major papers? I remember I used to joke about how I want to be on papers
someday being featured not only on the obituaries but you beat me to it. I like
fame, I enjoy fame and I was never as down to earth as you were. I remember
years ago you bought me a keychain from Genting with a foot print and you told
me you wanted me to be down to earth. Nobody knows my weakness as well as you
did.
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You on wan bao. |
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You on TNP. |
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You on AsiaOne yourHealth |
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You on ShinMin. |
Kor, I have already shifted into my Punggol place, the
one I got opposite your place. It was almost like it was meant to be. The
moment you shifted into your place, we said that I will get the place opposite
you and we can Mahjong anytime. I got my place but we will never be able to MJ
together. You came to my place when it was still bare and naked, now it is
filled with furniture and more but what is lacking is your voice and laughter.
Kor, why did you do this to me. I was packing out things and I saw the toys we
played, the things you gave me. You never fail to buy me things from every one
of your trips and every thing you got for me always goes to my favorite
list. You always do your best to get me the things I wanted.
Do you know how painful it was to box up all these things? I cried, I cursed at
god, I scolded you, why are you not here with me to shift my house? I am your
baby brother and I always need you by me, I need your help to pack these things
together. Remember we had a plan to renovate my room at mum’s place so we could
make a time capsule with all our toys? Our ninja turtles, our transformers and
dragon balls. Why did you bail out on me? God, why did you take such a great
man away from us? Why?
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I cried like a baby the night I went thru these stuff. |
You were and will still always be a topic that I talk
about. Since young I always go like “ My brother plays bball very well.” “My
brother is a pilot.” “My brother drives this car.” All my friend knew you as if
you were their friends cause you were always part of me, I am so proud of you
since young.
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My brother the pilot |
There were so many friends who came to send you off that
few days. I was very touched. Really very touched. All the msges, tweets,
smses, I really appreciated all of them. I dunno how to thank all these friends
that helped but I really feel very loved. You guys know who you are.
Many people told me that I now need to take over from you
taking care of the parents or helping with the kids. I know it is my calling
but I will never be able to fill your shoes. I hate myself for being helpless,
I hate you for leaving this job for me and I hate that you created big shoes
for me to fill. I know you love me too, I know you were proud of me too,
although we are from a traditional family that we don't tell each other but
from the things you have done I knew how much I meant to you.
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We so smart hor! |
Do you know that I did a tattoo on your behalf? Remember
the tattoo you designed a year ago but your doctor didn’t allow you to do it
cause it was dangerous? You created a shield and it included everyone for your
family. The thorns that represented pain. I know what you meant, you wanted to
protect your family, you wanted to take the pain from them. You wanted them to
be protected by Christ. It’s a shame you didn’t manage to get it down so I
decided to do it for you. It might be one of the very last wish I hope I helped
you to fulfill. I edited it a lil based on my understanding, I made it into a
circle, circle to represent infinity, to represent completion. This is the
shield of Will. I still remember how we were discussing about this design, we
always ask each other opinion in everything, from purchase to action, we always
discussed. I cried the day I realize I can't ask you if you like my edited
design, I cried when the fact hit me so hard that I am all "alone"
now.
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Shield Of Will. |
I’ve no idea how to finish this post, there are so much
emotions in me, I write, I stop, I cried and I write again. This is the hardest
blogpost ever.
Like during my eulogy to you I mentioned that I dunno
what is afterlife for me. I know you found a place with Christ, I know you are
in heaven but I dunno if that is my calling. I lost faith, I haven’t been
praying to any great power since you left cause nobody saved you. There is no
miracle in my life. I hope I can find it some day, I hope I can meet you again.
If there is a next time I want to be your brother again but this time round I
want to take care of you. I want to be the one to take the pain and I want you
to have it all. You could have had it all.
Below is a song that Ka Keong wrote for Ka Kiu when he
died. I never imagined me playing this song for you but here it
is. Kor, I really hope you are at a place where there is only love
and no pain.
Your wake was the most glamorous one, you had so many
friends who wanted to talk about you, to honour you and to pay their last
respects to you. We grieved, we cried, we smile and we prayed. Above all these
emotions, we all missed you deeply.
Here is the eulogy by your boss, I thought it was so you.
Everything he said was just you in every way. I might not know any of your
co-workers before that but the stories you told me just allow me to easily put
faces to name.
Eulogy by Moses Tan
Firstly,
from all his friends in the RSAF to you, Kimmy, and all of Will's family, our
deepest sympathies and condolences.
Good
evening brothers and sisters in Christ. My name is Moses Tan and I worked very
closely with Will in Changi Air Base and subsequently in Air Combat Command
during the period from 2006 to 2010. I first got to know Will in late 2006 when
I was posted to CAB. As most of you can recall, it was around that
time that Will just had a tumour removed, recovered well and was embarking
on a very different track of his air force career. If not for the visible scar
he had, I really would not have realised that this is an individual who had
just experienced a life-changing, near death episode. There was absolutely no
display of resentment, anger nor wallowing in self-pity, for being thrust into
such a situation so involuntarily. In his usual cheerful and positive outlook,
Will was the necessary sanity in a S3 Branch's frenetic atmosphere. He was a
rock!
I
think many of Will's colleagues and friends can testify to his determination.
Anybody coming into the S3 Branch – the workhorse of any air force base – would
have to be in the pink of health, possess an enormous level of endurance, and
be ready to put in loads of personal sacrifice. On top of that, working with me
could easily turn anyone crazy. But Will jumped in feet-first, never skipped a
beat and joined in seamlessly. He wasn't a mere supporting cast. With his
background in IT and computers, as well as his well-grounded attitude, Will
became an essential, reliable and loved member of HQ CAB.
As
all good warriors are, Will was strong and yet gentle. He showed concern to
people, not just people he loved, but to those outside of his circle of friends
as well. Ever ready to help others in any way he could, almost to a fault. He
always stopped to talk to our cleaner aunty, canteen operators and contractors.
He was the first to know that one of our maintenance contractors was suffering
from cancer, showed compassion, spoke to her and comforted her.
As
a friend, Will was very dear. He always found time to be with friends, very
loyal, very kind. Always ready to step forward when needed and extremely
resourceful. I remember telling him that I hoped my car registration number
would not strike the 4D that night because the number was sold out. He made
some phone calls and with his cheeky smile told me, “Sir, kao tim liao. Remember
to buy me dinner if strike”.
When
I was slated to attend the KC135 conversion course in the US in 2009, Will was
most helpful with my pre-course preparations. I inherited all his aircraft
manuals, kneeboards, and even an aviator's flight bag. I also remember him
saying that I could afford to spend the entire four and a half months in Altus
without a car because all I needed to do was to buy my course mates beer and
will be able to get to use their cars for free, and besides, everything
interesting in Altus was within walking distance. Well, that did not happen.
All my course mates were about half my age, and were not too keen to hang out
with a lieutenant colonel. Clearly, Will was a person that could easily get
along with people, even with the Ang Mohs. When I got to Altus, I found out
that Walmart was a 2-hour walk from the base, each way! Not something I would
readily do on a mid-summer's day. Later, I realised that he offered a similar
advise to a certain MAJ Chan Wee Wee, who actually retraced the steps which
Will took in Altus.
Being
a NOOB to game machines and IT gadgets, Will was the guy responsible for
introducing me to the world of Sony PSPs, Apple iPod Touch, and those really
overpriced Crumpler messenger bags. He convinced me to get the PSP and I was
hooked on to it in no time... until my son, Malcolm took it away from me. When
PSP2 came out, he knew that I was looking for a reason to trade in the bulky
PSP1. He went the extra mile to help me source for a 'buyer'. Little did I
realise that he had to coerce his sister that it was a fair deal and that the
soon-to-be obsolete PSP1 was good enough for her. Well, admittedly, I scolded
him for the 'scam', questioned how he could do this to his baby sister, and
immediately knocked off a few tens of dollars from the agreed price. Till this
day, I still patronise a certain toy shop in Lucky Plaza level 3... he told me
to always quote “I AM SMITH'S FRIEND”... a sure way to get a good deal and
maybe a few free games. A really good advise indeed.
Ipod
Touch... he showed me the Touch in 2008 and promised me that it would change my
life. Certainly did! We even conducted lectures with the Touch, screening
Youtube videos – all safety related – to keep our audiences awake. Beside
helping me configure, jailbreak, and get up to date with technology, Will
transferred many gigabytes of songs, Cantonese serials, and PSP games into my
portable hard disk.
During
my time with him, Will spoke fondly about many of you. Despite not having met
some of you until these past few weeks, I had this very strange sense of
familiarity the moment I could put a name to the face... all possible
because I have heard about you from Will even before having met you. Clearly,
he was always happy and enthusiastic to tell me about the important people in
his life. I can only mention a few tonight... mainly because it is quite
challenging for my fast failing memory to recall all that he told me, and
really not so much that you were not in his thoughts before. Also, I am no
word-smith. So pardon me if I have failed to paraphrase and articulate his
thoughts accurately.
To
Will's family, I have always admired the closely knit family that you have.
Those birthday parties where there was a collective effort to organise the
games for the kids, MC the event, coming out with interesting ice-cream
flavours... many of us were really impressed.
Kimmy,
you were his pillar of strength. He used to punctuate his sentences with
“Kimmy” ever so often. You were always there for him, listened to him. With you
beside him, there was very little left for his guardian angel to do. I noticed
this very evident fighting spirit in him. And it became apparent where it
originated from... when I saw you urging him to FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
His
kids meant the world to him. At the time we spoke, Jordan wasn't born yet.
Nonetheless, it was clear that Will was an extremely proud father who often
flaunt his kids to us, especially through Facebook. He had lots of dreams for
them. He wanted the kids to grow up wise, God fearing, respectful and
successful people. I am sure he will continue to watch over them, protect you
all from harm and appear in your dreams.
Smith,
you guys were not merely Will and Smith by coincidence and you were more than
just a brother to him. You were his BFF, shared common interests, so alike, in
so many ways. Most importantly, you guys are fun people to be with. I am sure
you will be around to teach his kids how to have fun, have a good sense of
humour and turn a dull party around. To him, you were his best brother.
Joyce,
Will was tremendously proud of you. He mentioned that although it was his
responsibility to support you through your studies, he never found it a chore
at all because he felt richly blessed to have a sister like you. Yes, he got you
an old PSP, but I am sure you were equally happy with that.
He
also spoke about his pals from 114 Wings Course, how one of the course mates
had a mansion so huge that you could not see the house, standing at the gate;
his squadron... like how Uncle Ho K would freeze up mineral water prior to the
flight so that the crew have cold drinks in flight. I practically knew
about the squadron before I even got posted to 112 Sqn; his basketball kakis...
like Teh Hua Feng, who was not only a natural leader at work but on court as
well; and the fun times he had with his gaming kakis in Kumpung Pungol. There
are just too many to list.
Before
I end off, I would do a very bold thing to convey his gratitude to some of the
people that he felt very grateful to, on his behalf...
To
Chief of Air Force, for making it your personal interest to ensure that our
application for grants and assistance are addressed expeditiously, for this, he
is truly grateful.
To
Commander ACC, when it became inevitable that his wings could be removed after
he was medically grounded from flying permanently , you stepped in, made the
unprecedented decision to allow him to continue donning the sacred golden
wings, despite the fact that he was only a CAT C pilot, he is truly grateful.
COL
Ng Chee Keong, you prayed over him during his darkest moment, when he was
filled with fear. Your words brought him strength, peace and comfort, he is
truly grateful.
Foo
Kok Chiang, you were there for him throughout. During his self-imposed driving
ban, when he needed frequent medical treatments in the hospital, supporting the
family during this challenging period, he is truly grateful.
Snooker,
you hardly knew Will. But you worked tirelessly to raise funds, apply for
grants, and bring comfort to his family during this trying period, he is truly
grateful.
To
his pals from 114 Wings Course, you guys took turns to keep him company, feed
him, keep him awake when he could hardly keep his eyes open, he is truly
grateful.
To
commanders and men of the RSAF, your immediate response and generosity
following our various appeals for assistance, he is truly grateful.
And
finally to Will...
I
know as humble as you were, you would be pleased to know that many of your
friends have been grieving. We have all lost a dear friend, and we are going to
take a while to get used to that.
Will,
you have touched our lives during your brief stay here, and you will always be
remembered.
Moses
Tan
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kor, I hope all is well for you. I will live strong and do you proud. It is hard but I will.
Until next time Kor.
I really really miss you.
"When I want to do something, I Will get it done" - Will Leong explaining why his name is Will. But I believe the truth was because he was so into Fresh Prince of Bel Air then.
7 comments:
Will is in a better place, a place with God, where he continues to look after you, Kimmy, his children, and the rest of your family. He lives to protect all of you when he was with you, and that will always live on. =)
Sayang~
Nice post. I think you should also read this post about apps to catch a cheater.
Sad to hear about your loss, but I'm sure Kor is in a better place right now and he is surely looking after you from above.
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