This is one of those blog post that I might write happily now only to regret in the future.
1. My future son or daughter might read this and tell me "dad, seriously... That's bull shit."
or
2. A lot of random people who just read the header without reading the post and might just go around congratulating me that I'm going to be a dad all out of a sudden. LIKE HOW?
Self Doubt
I am a very confident man and self doubt is probably one of those things I do least in my life. I believe I'm awesome and nothing is too much for me to handle but when it comes to being a dad, that's when self doubt comes in.
For those who knows me well enough will know that one of my biggest rant is about how much an as*hole my dad was or has been. He's never the kinda father figure person where you look upon and tell yourself "I want to grow up to be like my dad." instead you ask yourself, "What IF I grow up to become like my dad. As much as I knowI wouldn't want to be like him but what if?"
And to make things a little even harder, I enjoy my parties, I enjoy the events, whacking myself up at the gym and I even enjoy working which means there's a high chance I wouldn't spend that much time with my kid(s)?
Can I even enjoy my weekend bringing them around for lessons, going to their kids' parties, meeting other boring parents talking about which milk powder is better?
And imagine my pay going all onto my kid(s) instead of buying the things I like and eating the food I want?
Imagine your kid growing up into someone you least expect?
Oh... And when they get old enough to use search engines and read all my "work" online...
Part Time Dad
I was pretty happy I was given the chance last weekend to help my Sister-in-law with the kids while she was busy. I mean of course my duty for that few hours is nothing close to what she has been doing for the kids. Signing them up for the lessons they like, sacrificing all her time on them, making sure they become the type of person she wants them to be.
I once asked my late brother, how do you know how to be a father? How to be a good father? How do you know what is best for the kid? It's not like someone can teach us what to do and the worst part is that the person who eventually gonna suffer from your "mistakes" is still your kids. His answer was, you just have to do it and you will know what to do. I guess it's pretty much like how I always tell others that the only way to learn how to swim is by getting wet.
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| Little Abby was like "Aiyo, I am so tiny!" |
So I woke up early, I bought little Abby to lesson and in between lessons I had time to steal a breakfast, read some news off my mobile and also buy some more food home for the folks.
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| Rewarding myself for waking up early on a Saturday morning. |
Buying breakfast back home for the folks was something my brother enjoyed doing. He would come knocking at our doors with truck load of breakfast. His bee hoon buying style will always leave an impression on the auntie because each bag of bee hoon looks more like a pillow at the end of it. Although my brother spent a lot of time away from us since he joined the air force and then got married and moved out, we always enjoy his ad-hoc company. He would always try his best to spend time with us whenever possible. And also to celebrate every possible "festival" at home. Birthdays are a big thing in the family.
And when I was done with Abby, it was Natacia's turn. Had to ensure she was on time, she brought her stuff, she has done her assignment. Although she's a very responsible girl, it's just natural of me to ask her all the questions to ensure she was ready.
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| We ended up late for her lesson because of bad traffic but we did have time for a #Selfie ! |
Although I didn't physically do a lot of work but I was like "woah, I'm kinda sleepy now after a morning and afternoon of running around..." Can you imagine how much my sister-in-law, my brother or even my mum has done at her time when she had to do all these to ensure we grow up alright?" I guess that's why it makes parents really angry when we are naughty.
Love is...
I didn't go for my morning ball game, I didn't go for a run/cycle or neither did I sleep in like I would love to on a week end but I was happy. I was happy to see the kids happy because they spent time with me, because they get to attend the lessons they enjoyed and also they felt love because they know we love them too. Is this what love is about? About sacrificing what you thought you love for someone else and in return seeing them happy and making you happy too?
I guess my brother was right... The human instinct in us did prepared us to be a parent, to learn and to sacrifice when the time comes for those who deserves it...
I guess TV shows do teaches us a lot isn't it? For a real player to really settle down... That was Legen..... DARY.
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