I choose working late over spending time with my kid, because I choose to. ~ Smithankyou

42: The answer to life, the universe and everything. If you are nerdy enough you will get the reference.

However, real life is not as easy as that. There is no “one size fits all” solution. We all have our own backstories, limitations, and priorities. We can’t change what has happened but we can play our cards right forward.

Is it impossible to be a good worker and a good parent at the same time?

Mothership recently published an article by Steven Chia, a Presenter and Senior Editor at CNA, titled - “I won’t choose working late over spending time with my kids, because why would I?”

I would not say the article went viral but it got circulated a little within my social circles. Most of the people I have spoken to supported the narrative with both hands up. The conversations did not stop there. It was unboxed a little more and many friends ended up concluding that life is so tough in Singapore and it is difficult to be a working parent. Regardless of gender.

“At home I have to be a mum as if I am not working, at work I have to work as if I am not a mum. It is almost impossible.”

“I feel very bad when I do not spend enough* time with my kid.”

*I question, what is enough?

“I choose to be self-employed because I do not want to go to the office. I want the flexibility to spend time with my kid.”

“I hate it that I have to handle my kid at night and my boss feels that I am not committed to work. I mean I am already doing my best during office hours. After office hours event should not be considered as an obligation or considered into my appraisal right?”

Steven too gave an example on this.

"So, for instance, it’s your daughter’s birthday and your boss asks that you join him at a client event that same night.
Will you be able to say, “Sorry boss, I can’t because I promised my daughter I would take her out tonight as it’s her birthday” or will you bail on your daughter and attend the work event? What do we put as a priority?
Some may say, “But it’s my boss!” Honestly speaking, if I were the boss, an employee who puts family first would have actually earned some brownie points from me.
Because with that, it’s clear where their priorities lie and what is important to them."

It is not just about brownie points. There are intangible gains too. And yes, I agree with him. It is about priority.

So what’s yours?

Who are you to your children?

Coincidentally I was also talking about my attitude towards work a few days ago on Instagram story. The series of stories was inspired by a friend who asked why I am always working late. Why do I put myself up to so much work and evening work events when I am not required or paid overtime to do so. In his words, “No OT what.. Why work? For what?”

First of all, I think we gain something at almost every good* (can be very subjective) networking session or when working on different projects. The output might be what the bosses want but the outcome and any extra learning or goodwill or relationship goes to you. The value of meeting new people and learning new things will be yours to keep and no one can take that away from you even if you leave the organization. These outcomes might make a difference in your life. In fact, this is my secret to life. I would not say I am successful now but I would say that I probably will not be where I am today if not for all the extra hours I have put in my life that no one made me do. It may not pay off immediately but I believe that one day it will. And I have been benefiting from my “investments” from years ago quite a bit these days.

What about spending time with my son? It is about what you want in life.

“You can’t have the cake and eat it too.”

We can’t have the best of both worlds. I choose to work hard on weekdays and spend quality time with my son on weekends even if it means that I have to work late and not see him at all for 5 days in a row .

I’ve shared this more times than I can remember at various talks as well as with friends who have come to me for advice.

I want to be that father whom my son is proud of. That role model. That guy whom he is proud of.

“My dad is the so and so of the company. He has the resources to help our project.” - My son at age 16.

“My dad did this before. Let’s ask him for advice.” - My son at age 24

“Your dad is so cool. I heard he is the so and so right?” - My son’s future friend, Samantha.

“Omg, is that your dad on TV last night? (not crime watch)” - My son’s future friend, Siti

I do not want my son to love me because I can cook for him or bring him to school. I am not looking down on or putting down people who do that. That is just not me. And I am lucky that I have a wife and a family that supports my way of life.

My helper can cook for him, my helper can bring him to school too. Can my son be proud of my helper the same way I want him to be proud of me? Probably no. It might not be a very popular opinion, just like me pulling off my favourite red boots.

I do not want to be the father who tells my son that I used to do this and that for fun but no longer doing them. I do not want to be the father whom my son looks at my old photos and asks me how come I used to be cool but not anymore. I do not want my son to be the reason or excuse for me to stop being myself. I want my son to be the reason I am the best version of myself. Like in every relationship, we make each other better. Not slow us down.

It might not be what my son wants at the end of the day, but what if it is? He does not know it now either. It is the chance I will take.

Quality time vs Quantity time

Steven pointed out that quantity time is important.

"For any kid out there, I believe it is all about the quantity of time.
Any time with their parents is quality time. A child cannot differentiate between quality time and non-quality time.
To them, they just know whether you are there or not there! What would your kids say if you asked them that today? Are you a “there” or “not there” parent?"

I beg to differ. It is all about the balance.

There is no way I can be a happy dad or good dad if I am not happy with my own life. There is no way I can love others if I am unable to even love myself. How can a dad be happy at home just to spend quantity time for the sake of being there when his mind is thinking about work or how poorly he has been performing at work?

It is why I choose to be the best worker I can be from Monday to Friday and when I am with my son, I try my best to keep communication devices away and to focus on him. I am still not very good with this but I’ve set a goal and I am working on it. It is not about just being there physically. There will be days that I am not there. But when I am, I REALLY am.

It is about the process of sharing and nurturing. I am not saying that I am an expert in parenting but this is what I am doing for my son. I really do not see a point of me just being there but be on the mobile phone most of the time. I want to be present.

We all want to be the best worker at work and the best parent at home. It might be easier for some who have already achieved what they want in their careers. It might be a lot tougher on those who are struggling just to bring home the bacon. Whatever our situations are, more importantly is that our heart is in the right place. Take responsibility towards both family and workplace. Nobody says it is going to be easy, but we all try.

If politicians can do their part as workers, parents, and parents to their citizens, I am sure we can. If celebrities can do all the things they are doing and still be an amazing parent, I am sure we can. I do not think I am less than them just because my job is less “important”. I believe we all can as long as we are clear of what we want to achieve and work towards it.

We must find a way to put family first

The only reason why I work so hard IS because I put family first. I want my family to be proud of me. I know I am not there 5 days a week. But hey, you still have 2 days right? LOL.

It is not an excuse. I clearly know if it ain’t because I care about my family, my wife, and my son. I am dead sure I will be somewhere out there in other countries living from pay cheque to pay cheque if it was not because of them. I might not look or sound like one but I probably am a hippie inside.

As employers or even co-workers, we need to understand that everyone has different priorities in life. I cannot expect all my staff or co-workers to work like me simply because of my own choice. But we should not penalize anyone for choosing to spend more time physically with their family.

As a leader, we need to lead with wisdom, take risks and make tough decisions, but above all – exercise compassion when compassion is needed.

The answer to life…

No one has the answer to YOUR life. You fight for what you want. Make the decisions that no one else can make for you. Take your stand regardless of the consequences. Take charge of your own life.

I’ve made mine for now. I am not telling you that my way is the right way for you. I might be wrong, I might regret it, I might grow old and bite my words. Isn’t that the beauty of life? We get to write our own stories and it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.